99 Things Not To Do While RVing

I’ve been enjoying the RV lifestyle for many, many years and I can’t tell you that I’ve made some of the best memories of my life in our RV. I’ve also had a few, “not-so-fun” experiences, so when I recently ran across this “Things not to do while RVing” list originally written by Tim R. Enright, for Bugsmacker.com, I had to share it with the rest of my RVing family! It’s certainly a satire, so don’t take it too seriously…unless you really do have a problem with #44.

Don’t…

1. Drive down the road with more than 2 slides out.
2. Use your sewer hose to fertilize your neighbor’s flowers.
3. Backup your RV into the … FILL IN THE BLANK.
4. Hang raw meat on the clothesline to scare away the bears.
5. Tie the dog to the rear bumper while you pack to go home and forget.
6. Put your awning out over the fire pit so the rain won’t put it out.
7. Use the air conditioner, microwave, coffee pot, hairdryer, and toaster all at the same time and wonder why the TV went out.
8. Drive your rig down a one-way road if you don’t know what is at the other end.
9. Plan a camping trip for your church group only to find out the place you booked is clothing optional.
10. Fill your air mattress with LP gas if you smoke in bed.
11. Believe the salesman when he says that you can easily tow that new Toy Hauler with your Smart Car.
12. Put the RV up on blocks and yell out to the kids “we’re home now!”
13. Run out of gas only to realize that you put the gas into your water tank instead.
14. Use honey as suntan lotion in August.
15. Drive your Rig through the fast food drive-thru window without looking at the menu first.
16. Hang Grandma’s lawn chair (with her in it) on the bike rack because the seats inside are full.
17. Park your RV directly on your neighbor’s water hose.
18. Forget to put the support bars under the slide-out of your Pop-Up before you leap into bed.
19. Take binoculars to the beach and try to convince your wife you are just going to look for birds.
20. Fix your flat tire with Duct Tape.
21. Put whiskey in your fresh water tank to keep it from freezing (OK, this one really doesn’t sound so bad).
22. Hook the trailer up to the truck while your wife is still inside on the toilet.
23. Go up top and check the TV antenna during a thunderstorm because you can’t get the weather channel.
24. Pour water down the outside of the kid’s tent when they are inside while moaning “AHHHH”.
25. Carry your PETA sign through a deer hunting camp.
26. Feed the Seagulls and wonder where all the White Rain is coming from.
27. Put Arm Floaties on Grandpa, push him into the lake and expect him home in time for dinner.
28. Leave the parking brake in your toad on as you travel.
29. Explain to the kids how you threw the cat’s toy into the fire and you’re waiting for it to return.
30. Walk past the neighbor’s Pit Bull with a pocket full of Hotdogs.
31. Cook marshmallows over a fire taller than yourself.
32. Steal the neighbor’s Cable connection on game day.
33. Clean your fish with a chainsaw.
34. Jam a stick into the black tank drain to unclog it.
35. Pet the neighbor’s dog if he has foam coming from his mouth.
36. Whisper sweet nothings into your wife’s ear while sitting in a group around the campfire if you forgot to put on your hearing aid.
37. Try serving a veggie burger to a hunter.
38. Sunbathe on a Tuesday in the rain.
39. Cook microwave popcorn on a campfire.
40. Ride your bike if someone stole the seat and the tire is flat.
41. Get out, drop to your knees, and kiss the ground after the first time your wife drives the RV.
42. Use a Roman candle to start a campfire.
43. Go jogging in high heels before 6 AM.
44. Eat all your worms before you go fishing.
45. Sit with your back to the campfire after eating baked beans.
46. Take the Pop-Up down with your wife still in it.
47. Fill your fresh water tank using the hose marked “not to be used for drinking” at the dump station.
48. Light your cigarette with a bonfire.
49. Practice casting your new fishing pole into a crowd.
50. Go swimming with bait in the pockets of your shorts.
51. Use a hack saw to disconnect the power cord because it is stuck.
52. Stretch a rubber glove over the head of your neighbor’s little barking dog.
53. Dive into a frozen lake within 30 minutes after eating.
54. Yell out profanities because you dropped a log on your foot at church camp.
55. Sing campfire songs around the fire in the middle of the night, all by yourself.
56. Drive a 13-foot trailer under a 12-foot bridge.
57. Roast marshmallows over the fire on the tip of your finger.
58. Go for a hike in the woods wearing a brown jumpsuit with a white hanky sticking out of the back pocket during Deer Season. (Actually, I wouldn’t find this fashionable any time of the year.)
59. Eat a Popsicle after it falls on the ground and more than 2 ants get on it.
60. Dump your tanks while driving down the road.
61. Water ski behind a red rowboat.
62. Use gasoline to start the electric fireplace in your RV.
63. Swim in shark-infested water if you are blonde.
64. Go to the beach wearing only the top half of your wife’s swimsuit.
65. Kiss that sweet little puppy if you can’t tell which end you are holding up.
66. Pull the handle on your tanks before you hook up the hose.
67. Expect the lifeguard to save you if his seeing-eye dog is asleep.
68. Go hiking with the wrong map.
69. Use your outside shower in the nude.
70. Put peanut butter on a jellyfish.
71. Start the campfire with your only remaining roll of toilet paper.
72. Take ownership of your air mattress by carving your name in it.
73. Play the cornhole game with cream-style corn.
74. Brush your hair with a grill cleaning brush.
75. Use a meat thermometer if you think you have a fever.
76. Yell “Fire” in the middle of bingo.
77. Run and jump headfirst into the kiddie pool.
78. Clean your fish in the hot tub.
79. Shoot hoops with a shotgun.
80. Pitch a tent that is two-thirds or more in a lake.
81. Forget to duck under the bed slide on your 5th wheel while chasing after the dog.
82. Put all the snacks in the kid’s tent so the bears don’t steal them.
83. Shove all your fishing hooks into your front pockets.
84. Crow like a rooster at Dawn, or Sue, or Peggy, or Mary, or Jill…
85. Whittle a snake out of Grandma’s cane.
86. Try to squeeze your big butt into a small folding chair.
87. Throw flaming marshmallows at the neighbor’s kids.
88. Rent an RV for vacation if you don’t know how to drive.
89. Pour sugar all over the table to create a sand trap for the ants.
90. Run barefoot through the campfire so you don’t mess up your new sandals.
91. Practice your yodeling at 3 AM.
92. Drive into town for supplies without unhooking your power cord.